% You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -- Frank Zappa % Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemmingway % Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill % He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato % Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -- Catherine Zandonella % A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W.C. Fields % Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. -- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill % Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. -- His reply % If God had intended us not to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs. -- David Daye % Work is the curse of the drinking class. -- Oscar Wilde % When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman % Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin % If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -- Deep Thought, Jack Handy % Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry % The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart % People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. -- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI % Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. -- Kaiser Welhelm % I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -- Homer Simpson % Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -- Dave Barry % I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan % An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway % You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin % All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. -- Homer Simpson % WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. % WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. % WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). % WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. % WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. % WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear. % WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.