Nothing is impossible, just highly improbable.
%
Do you think God is bored? 
%
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
%
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
%
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
%
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
%
God didn't create the world in 7 days.  He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. 
%
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
%
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
%
Life's a bitch, then you die.
%
Quoting one is plagiarism.  Quoting many is research.
%
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
%
The road to to success is always under construction.
%
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
%
Today is the last day of your life so far.
%
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
%
Wasting time is an important part of life.
%
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
%
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"...until you can find a rock.
%
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
%
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
%
Brain:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.
%
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
%
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
%
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
%
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
%
Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
%
Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.  
%
History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
%
I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts!
%
I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
%
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
%
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
%
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.                
%
Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.
%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
%
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.  
%
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
%
People have one thing in common:  they are all different.
%
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
%
Is there life before death?
%
Often it is fatal to live too long.  
%
The first condition of immortality is death.  
%
Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on.
%
I must follow the people.  Am I not their leader?  
%
A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.
%
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
%
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
%
I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
%
Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.
%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
%
Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler. 
%
I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was never developed...
%
There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear.
%
Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!  He shoots.  HE SCOOORES!
%
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
%
Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
%
Read my Lisp...no new syntax.  (nil)
%
God is real, unless declared as an integer.
%
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100%
 fatal.
%
Camouflage condoms:  So they won't see you coming.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%
Death:  To stop sinning suddenly.
%
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
%
Happiness:  The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.
%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%
Be different:  Conform.
%
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.
%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
%
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
%
Computer:  "How do you feel?"  Spock:  "I don't understand the question."
%
The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.
%
Misfortune, n.  The kind of fortune that never misses.
%
Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
%
No matter where you go, there you are.
--
Buckaroo Banzai
%
If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!
%
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
%
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
%
[Warning on knife]:  Caution.  Blade is sharp.  Keep out of children.
%
Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.
%
Thought for the day:  What if there were no hypothetical situations?
%
PALINDROME spelled backwards is EMORDNILAP.
%
Introducing "lite", the new way to spell "light", with 20%
 fewer letters!
%
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
%
Pardon me, but is that Grey Poupon on those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?
%
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
%
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
%
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
--
H. L. Mencken
%
God does not play dice with the cosmos.
%
Solution to two of the world's problems:  Feed the homeless to the hungry.
%
If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.
%
Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide: A == B; !;
%
Why did the Mafia kill Einstein? He knew too much.
%
It is the difference of opinion that makes horse races.
--
Mark Twain
%
Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and VERY important.
%
Parting is such sweet sorrow that I should say goodnight until tomorrow.
%
It's like deja-vu, all over again.
--
Yogi Berra
%
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
%
Veni, vidi, vici. (I came, I saw, I conquered.)
%
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
%
A man is incomplete till he is married; then he is finished.
%
I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
--
Groucho Marx
%
Marriage means commitment.  Of course, so does insanity.
%
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
%
Of course I'm happily married.  She's happy, and I'm married.
%
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
%
It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.
--
Gore Vidal
%
Men should be like Kleenex; soft, strong and disposable.  
%
A physicist is just an atom's way of looking at itself.
--
Niels Bohr
%
Time is the best teacher.  Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.
%
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
--
John Lennon
%
Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.
%
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
%
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
--
Groucho Marx
%
When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.
--
A. Rand
%
"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."
%
"Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep."
%
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
%
"Truth is more of a stranger than fiction."           
--
Mark Twain
%
"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."  
--
Steven Wright
%
"I am at two with nature."                  
--
Woody Allen
%
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
%
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
--
Steven Wright
%
"Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it."
%
"Man is the Only Animal that Blushes.  Or needs to."     
--
Mark Twain
%
"Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers."
--
Pablo Picasso
%
"Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish."          
--
Euripides
%
"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."
%
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
%
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." 
--
Timothy Leary
%
"You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in." 
--
Arlo Guthrie
%
"The future will be better tomorrow."       
--
Dan Quayle
%
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all."
%
"The reverse side also has a reverse side."       
--
Japanese proverb
%
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly.  I said I don't know."
%
"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."
%
"It is easier to stay out than get out."          
--
Mark Twain
%
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."
%
"Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo."
%
"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."
%
"Girls are always running through my mind.  They don't dare walk."
%
"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch."         
--
Lily Tomlin
%
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- Your absence."
%
"Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story."
%
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth."        
--
Lenin
%
"Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man."
%
"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."  
--
Albert Einstein
%
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"         
--
Steven Wright
%
"Nothing fails like success."        
--
Gerald Nachman
%
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
%
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
%
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either."
%
"They certainly give very strange names to diseases."     
--
Plato
%
"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."
%
"Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens."
%
"Someone's boring me.  I think it's me."    
--
Dylan Thomas
%
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
%
"Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff." 
--
Frank Zappa
%
"Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right."
%
"To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep." 
--
Joan Klempner
%
"A person who trusts no one can't be trusted."    
--
Jerome Blattner
%
"Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted."
%
"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"
%
"Things are only impossible until they're not."
%
"Architecture is the art of how to waste space."
%
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
%
"All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others."
%
"The quickest way to end a war is to lose it."
%
"Eternity's a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it all going to end?"
%
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
%
"A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money."
%
"A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things."
%
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."
%
"A witty saying proves nothing."
%
"Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born."
%
"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
%
"Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish."
%
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
%
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
%
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."
%
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
%
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
%
"I am not young enough to know everything."
%
"I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty."
%
"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known."
--
Walt Disney 
%
"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
%
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
%
"One man's folly is another man's wife."
%
"Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form."
%
"There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker."
%
"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes."
%
"Too much of a good thing is wonderful."
%
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--
Dan Quayle
%
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
--
Dan Quayle
%
"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval."
%
"I hate women because they always know where things are."
%
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
%
"A hypocrite is a person who -- but who isn't?"
%
"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
%
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
%
"To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice."
%
"Nothing shocks me.  I'm a scientist."
%
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
%
"Realism...has no more to do with reality than anything else."
%
"If little else, the brain is an educational toy."
%
"I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for hours."
%
"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."
%
"There is never enough time, unless you're serving it."
%
"No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up."
%
"There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress."
%
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities.  Truth isn't."
%
"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
%
"Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car."
%
"I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother."
%
"Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away."
%
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
%
"When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."
%
"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
%
"Blame someone else and get on with your life."
%
"Two paradoxes are better than one; they may even suggest a solution."
%
"A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits."
%
"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform."
%
"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
%
"Optimist, n., A proponent of the doctrine that black is white."
%
"The more I see of men, the more I like dogs."
%
"Life is like a roll of toilet paper...when the end is near, we panic!"
%
"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."
%
A good marriage is the union of 'two forgivers.'
%
"One must ask children and birds how cherries and strawberries taste."
%
"Be kind to unkind people - they need it the most."
%
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy."
%
"To err is human--but it feels divine." 
--
Mae West
%
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
%
"People want economy, and they'll pay any price to get it."
%
If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
%
A woman dabbles in sex for love, a man dabbles in love for sex??
%
"Gravitation can not be held resposible for people falling in love"
%
"If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty."
%
"Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood."
%
"What oxygen is to the lungs, such is hope to the meaning of life."
%
"Life is a gamble at terrible odds -- if it was a bet, you wouldn't take it."
%
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."
%
"Microsoft: Bringing you yesterday's technology -- tomorrow."
%
"But it is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation."
%
"That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest."
%
Expecting different output from the same input is lunacy.
--
Albert Einstein
%
"Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children."
%
"The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice."